MRS. ROBINSON BEGAN her ministry in Toronto by taking a very careful inventory of her spiritual stock. In her journal, under date of March 5, she writes: “Praises to Thy precious Name! Thou hast redeemed me! Thou hast called me by name. Thou art mine. As I look over the written prayer offered a year ago—Dec. 18, ‘O5ⁿ —I cannot thank Thee enough for having so led me on. I am still a weak but no longer a sinful child, and Thou hast increased my faith a little and hast answered prayer in a measure, and there is a slight measure of power in my work. And praise God I am no longer cowardly. ‘Anywhere’ with Jesus I will gladly go. I am no longer nervous to any degree. Alas, sometimes I am momentarily irritable. I no longer talk of private prayer and Bible study—but I also practice. I have the indwelling Spirit in a measure, and I am conse­crated—absolutely, wholly. Praise and glory be to Jesus. Note: Although this prayer is not to be found among the journals Mrs. Robinson left, it is evident from various references found elsewhere that it had to do with the spiritual crisis which occurred then and is referred to in Chapter XVI “The steps back to God have been seeing the nakedness and uselessness and powerlessness of my life, listening to the Voice of God, continuous prayer for the Holy Spirit to come in, much searching of the Scriptures, much humbling by the Hand of God, perseverance, patience, importunity, steadfastness, the dying out of the self-life, the glorious cleansing by the blood of Christ of the old sinful nature following an absolute consecration to Thee, boldly entering upon a life of trust. “Present needs—present dangers: danger of getting proud of my own abilities again, of being too authoritative and not staying humble. Need of faith, love, unselfishness, over­coming carelessness, humility, more patience. “I am sent out to do a work I am too small for, but praise God, He fills the place and is responsible. “Praise God, I have been made over and have a new heart. I do desire all the fullness of God. “Do Thou undertake for me, O God. I am only a little child, with small powers, weak faith, weak in wisdom. Thou hast given me work to do amid I am ignorant and incompe­tent, but the knowledge of answered prayer gives con­fidence that Thou wilt perfect that which concerneth me. “O Lord Jesus, I need Thee in my life. This day I covenant with Thee to follow Thee all the way of the Cross. 0 crucify, prune me, purge me, until I abide wholly in Thee. Magnify Thyself in me. Fill me more and more with Thy Spirit, until those who know me will take knowledge I have been with Jesus. Keep me low—low down, humble. Take possession of my too ready tongue. Develop in me all the fruits of the Spirit. Make me to bear much fruit. Give me the prayer of faith for the sick. If Thou dost choose to have me speak in tongues, give me the interpretation. “May the Divine Love in me conquer every tendency to irritability, selfishness, or egotism. Give me a great passion for souls. Increase my teaching gift. Enable me to cast out demons. Help me to know more and more how to so yield myself to Thee that I shall be as passive clay in Thy hands. Heal and sanctify and invigorate my body. Do Thy perfect will in me. Sanctify my thoughts and give me wisdom liberally. “And as this work now lies before me in Toronto, under­take it all for us. Show us what steps to take, how to act, what to say and do at every point. Make known Thy will in every detail and grant unity that all may obey. “Come in, Lord Jesus, the door is open. Come in and sup with me.” One week hater, March 12, she prays: “O Lord Jesus, come quickly. My soul thirsts after Thee, the Living God. My heart crieth after Thee. More than fruits or gifts or power I long for Thee. Come and dwell in me in great fullness, Thou Son of God. Help me, help me to drop everything of this earth, and take Thee. “O Lord Jesus, Thou seest me a poor weak vessel. It is Yours. Do Your will with it. O Lord, Thou seest Thy work here. You have placed me in it, and it is Your responsibility whether I am fit for the work or not. Do You undertake the work, O my Lord and my God. If Thou canst not do the work through me because of my incapacity, either Thou must enlarge me or bring another worker here who can do it, or use others for this purpose, else Thy work shall fail. If we are not in Divine Order, show us our wrong. If we are displeasing Thee, show us where. We ask wisdom. 0 pre­cious Jesus, give me wisdom. Make me to know Thy will. And reveal Thyself, O my God and Saviour, in greater fullness.” Following this and continuing throughout March and April, the work went through “a long period of barrenness, deadness, failure, falling away of the people attending meet­ings. No power.” Naturally this was not only dissatisfying but humiliating, a real trial of faith. Especially was this so in view of their recommendation as capable ministers and of the knowledge of their previous successes in the work of the Lord. So critical was the situation, “we talked of unifying with East End Mission and dropping our work,” she records. “God would not let us. We intended to go stay at East End Mission. We were stopped.” The East End Mission, located at 651 Queen Street E., was a thriving assembly conducted by Mr. and Mrs. James Hebden and consequently was often referred to as the Heb­den Mission. Crowds of earnest seekers filled the hall every night as God poured out His Spirit in mighty power, con­victing sinner and saint who “went down before God in a great cry” for salvation, purity of heart, or the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Above the large hall there were living quar­ters, ample for others besides the Hebdens, which they made available for other Christian workers. To unite forces with the East End Mission would have been an easy way out of their rather discouraging condition. An appealing one, too, for the Robinsons could then stay in the living quarters. However, as Mrs. Robinson says, God would not let them take this course. There followed “days of waiting on God” for light on the way. At the same time Mrs. Robinson’s sense of her need of God was increasing, and with this her prayer to know Jesus in all His fullness increased. “On Sunday morning, May 5, a great spirit of supplication came upon me,” Mrs. Robinson records, in which she cried from the depths of her soul: “Let me die, let me die, and Christ Jesus live in me. Her soul travail was so great that she could describe it only as “two hours of Gethsemane,” praying, “O God, undertake.” This and the following two days—May 6 and 7—were “three days of fasting and prayer.” She received “assurance, but no light—no instruction” about the course she should take in view of the condition of the work. Again she notes, “Work dead,” and cries, “O God, undertake.” The next day, May 8, however, she received “light.” “At prayer in East End Mission God showed me some things: Laid the plan of work before me in a sort of panorama. Showed me bills to have printed and cards. Just what to do about them.” With her characteristic carefulness and caution Mrs. Robin­son spent the next four days, “May 8 to 12, waiting on God about this apparent leading. Sunday [the twelfth] dead, small meetings as ever, yet God won’t let us let go.” On the same day, with a deepened conviction that her leading was of the Lord, she told her husband. The next day while she continued “waiting on God to know what I should do, if I should go downtown and have printing done,.., the Spirit said, ‘Go! go! go!’ repeatedly. I went.” “May 13th to 24th [was a] period of illness in body and burden in spirit.” This “burden in spirit” was occasioned in part by the fact that her husband had not yet received his baptism. Therefore, while he was continuing to seek to be filled with the Holy Spirit, she was having to carry on alone. This was a special trial for her as is indicated in her entry for May 18: “A day of burden—of loneliness—of illness— and helplessness. It has seemed so hard to travel alone, to have no worker at my side.” The next day, Sunday, May 19, she is able to report “victory in this,” and concerning the meetings notes they “had fair attendance and I was under the Spirit…. “Another week of supplication—crying for power of the Spirit, . . . Days of extraordinary supplication—hours of agony—the Spirit straining the flesh with prayer, until I felt it necessary to ask for relief. Praying in tongues, in English, in groanings. God, how long, oh, how long!” On May the twenty-second she enters this prayer in her journal: “Still a helpless babe crying after Thee. O God, let me grow faster. O my whole being, desire, aim, all is to win Christ. I count all things but dung that I may win Christ, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection. O for a greater measure of the Holy Ghost, an outpouring, a submerging. “O Lord, Lord, how long? I need Thee, Jesus,—blessed Jesus. I want to die that Thou mayst live in me. O God, my God, teach me how to pray. O I want to be buried with Christ in God, out of sight, so I will get out of the way. Jesus, Jesus, be Thou my help!” On Saturday, May 25, in answer to her prayer for relief from this intense spirit of supplication, she notes: “Suppli­cation lifted. Rest in Jesus. Spirit of prayer in service at night.” The next entries speak for themselves: “May 26. An afternoon meeting, well attended and power in the meeting. All responsibility gone. I was under the power of the Spirit. Same in evening, but smaller attendance on account of rain. Still rest. “May 26 to 30. The Lord seems to have spoken, ‘Come aside and rest.’ No cares, no burdens—all on Jesus—save a great stirring up of spirit to pray for sick and to cast out demons. The Spirit presses me to pray. “May 30. Thursday. A wonderful day. In morning hoped to have the day alone in prayer so planned to do my work up first and then wait on God all day. But God knew what was coming so set me to prayer, and for an hour I sang in tongues, strange, weird, foreign tunes, changing from lan­guage to language. Harry came home, and we packed and looked over our things all afternoon.” This packing was done preparatory to their moving in a day or two. Since their arrival in Toronto, they had been boarding at Marlatts’. At this time they were invited to live with Mrs. Robinson’s Aunt Mattie, now a widow and residing in Toronto. It will be remembered that it was Aunt Mattie’s husband, Uncle William Blair, who had precipitated the great crisis in young Mattie’s spiritual life when he said, “Something seems to tell me the Lord wants you to live and work just for Himself.” Uncle William had died three years before (March 1, 1904) while pastoring a Methodist Church in Mimico, a suburb of Toronto. He was gone, but his works had followed him. And the trail he had opened many years before had led his niece to the present place. In a way, it was especially fitting that on the eve, as it were, of the time when Martha Wing Robinson was really to “live and work just for Himself,” she should find herself with her aunt with whom she had been when God’s particular call first came to her. After the Robinsons had finished packing for their con­templated move to Aunt Mattie’s, she writes: “At four we went to prayer. The spirit of prayer came upon us both, and after a time we started to pray aloud. As I prayed, the Spirit of God came upon me and filled my being. O, glory to God! My hands shook and my whole body seemed changed. I spoke in several languages. Harry came into the Spirit, too, and we had our first real fellowship in prayer since we began to seek the baptism. “Again in the evening the Spirit of God took hold of me. A good attendance and blessed meeting. “May 31. Beside the still waters, through green pastures, He leadeth me. All is at rest. I think He intends to lead me to some deeper depth and is letting me gather strength. I realize death to self has been going on. The Spirit has greater control. Praise God for fellowship again this morning with Harry in the Spirit. O God, bring him on into Thy fullness. “O God, this is my confidence in Thee that Thou wilt mould and fashion this unworthy clay to meet Thy purposes. Thou wilt develop the fruits of the Spirit. Thou wilt give me such gifts as Thou seest meet. Thou wilt give me the signs of a believer. Thou wilt give me Christ Himself to dwell in me. Oh, wonderful thought, oh, supreme mystery! God to dwell in me—the great, eternal God to dwell in this lump of clay. “June 1. Again yesterday the Spirit sang through me in tongues for some time. Wonderful! Still rest and peace. Responsibility in God’s hands. Sweet communion. 0 God, lead me on, lead me on to still deeper fellowship with Thee. May the Holy Ghost possess me utterly. Today my great desire is that my everyday life—the common words and tones and actions—shall show forth Jesus. My Lord God, undertake for me. “Evening—A season of prayer at the hall. A dozen present. Miss J— has her baptism. I am asking God to make me understand the shaking. I have shaken a little myself. O God, I must understand from Thee just what it means. “And God, I still lack a fullness of fellowship and love with Jesus. Lord Jesus, Lord Jesus, come to my waiting heart and let us have a feast of love. The Holy Ghost gets fuller and fuller possession. O, may He make me to know the love of Christ which passeth knowledge. “June 2. O, my soul cries after the living God. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, come Thou to me. O God, how I long after Thee! O God, how I long after Thee! O that Jesus—Jesus—may be manifest in me! I want but Jesus. None but Christ satisfies. I must know Him and the power of His Resurrection. O my soul cries after the living God. O Jesus, Jesus, undertake for me. O to be saved from myself, dear Lord, O to be lost in Thee. O that it may be no more I, But Christ that lives in me. O, the power of His Resurrection—what I ask for I know not. The Holy Spirit knows. O, may my spirit and soul and body know of His Resurrection… “Had a talk and prayer with G— who is growing cold. God, bring him back to Thyself. Meeting hall full today; power of God present. O, it has paid to wait patiently for Him to bring it to pass. “O Lord, keep me low at Thy feet. Keep me waiting on Thee. More, more of God I would have. O, let the very life of self disappear forever—forever—forever—and Christ live in me. A vessel of the world’s despising, how little it matters! “June 4. God’s goodness in temporal matters providing for us with home and friends by such sweet providences. But O, my God, not yet is my spirit satisfied. I thank Thee for the wondrous visitations of Thy goodness, outpourings of the Spirit. But O, to live in the Spirit—just under His power so the flesh cannot assert itself. “It is still death I cry for. O, may I be crucified! O my Lord, I have chosen to go the way of the Cross. I have laid down all. I have given up self, but it still lives. O my Father, grant that I shall get on the Cross and die there and from henceforth live in the Resurrection life of the Son of God. O to know Him and the power of His Resurrection—to never have a moment’s sense of separation. “Jesus, Jesus, reveal Thyself to me in greater fullness. My soul cries out—I need Thee, Thee only. Death, what does it mean? Let me know and experience all it means. Then I will rise in newness of life. “O, give tonight a message from the Holy Ghost to the people. I ask that I may be used to bring people to the feet of Jesus. Not unto myself but to Thee, dear Lord, may the glory be given. Keep me out of sight. Keep me down low. O, give me wisdom. Jesus, give me Thyself. “June 5. It is camping time. I so desire to be under the power of the Spirit all the time. I begin to see there must be periods of quietness. But I pray that I may be delivered from myself, that the flesh may die. O, I am such a weak, puny vessel. God can use me yet in such a limited way. My body lacks strength as well. O, I grow impatient at times for the work in me to be hastened. Lord, keep me low and quiet at Thy feet. Help me to be just abandoned to Thee so Thou canst do Thy will. “Our first financial test is upon us. We look to God to fulfill His promises. We are seeking first the Kingdom. Praise the Lord, that settles the whole thing. We are seeking the Kingdom first. The rest is God’s business. “June 7. It seems like one of the times of Jesus’ withdrawing Himself. I have seen Him at the window; my soul cries after Him. I go about the streets of the city. ‘Has any one seen my Beloved?’ “Yesterday, after the presence of the Spirit all day, when the evening meeting came, there was an absence of power. I could not abandon myself. God blessed us, but things were not as they should be. “O my God, must I have my lessons at the expense of Thy people? Where is the failure? O my Lord and my God, teach me what I need to know. I have spent less time in prayer this week, done more talking upon general topics. Lord, does it lie there? You have provided this home, this com­panionship, this help; show me just my course while here. “We are still without money except barely enough to pay carfare. Yet we have all we need. How wonderful of God to stop our expenses of living just at this time! We are just little children, and just as Father arranges it is all right. Up to the time we became guests in this home we had sufficient to pay for board and room. “I have taken a bad cold and have not yet victory. 0 gracious Father, Thy patience is great. Help my unbelief that I may have faith to claim for me all I need for spirit, soul and body. “I must have Christ in greater fullness. Only Christ can satisfy. I must have a further revelation of Himself. “I desire to be so utterly separated to God there will be no hindrance of the flesh anywhere in the carrying out of God’s will. “Separate me, separate me, Lord God, from everyone and everything. “June 8. Still seeking God. Spent yesterday afternoon and evening at East End Mission. Received some deliverance from my cold. “The Christian workers under Fisher have had a wonder­ful experience. The Shekinah glory descended upon them while at prayer and shone not only in the room but over the house, so that fire reels came to put out what appeared to be a fire; and there was no fire. Truly we are in a wonder­ful time. “A lady at East End, a stranger to me, handed me one dollar yesterday which supplies us with carfare for a time again. So we are all right. She said she felt impressed to give it to me. We know why. “I still have that sense of reaching after God. The power of the Spirit is not upon me. My soul cries after God. As the hart panteth after the water brooks so thirsteth my soul after Thee, O God. When shall I come and appear before Thee, O God? O God, I know I am in Thy hands. Thou dost work out Thy purposes. You have some lesson for me. But O, I want Jesus all the time. Is this too much to ask? I keep hungering and thirsting for Him if there is the least withdrawal. O, for a greater revelation of Jesus! O that I may know Him and the power of His Resurrection and, Lord,—yes—the fellowship of Thy sufferings! Lord, lead me on. “It seems as if I have to keep separated in every way unto God, not to allow myself to get into general conversation. Since I have been here I have ‘visited’ too much. O, I need to be much alone with God. It is in the last four or five days I have lost the overshadowing, continuous presence of Jesus—the filling, thrilling power of the Spirit. I know I will have the blessing again, but O Lord, let the experience teach me. “June 9. Sunday Morning. Last night at the prayer service the cloud over me lifted, and I came into the presence of the Lord in a blessed way. And now, O Lord, this day is in Thy hands. I trust Thee for its every need. Cold healed. “I have been asking Thee to help me to abandon myself to Thee. Teach me not to even try to do that. The responsi­bility of that is in Thy hands. I have given myself to Thee, spirit, and soul, and body. I am not my own. I am not responsible at all. I reckon myself dead. Therefore, O Lord, whatever happens is of Thee—not of myself. I submit the responsibility of myself to Thee. Undertake for me, dear Lord. “June 10. In writing to a friend the Lord brought to my remembrance an experience I feel led to record a portion of. In speaking of the time when, waiting on the Lord con­cerning the way our work had run down: ‘All the time, for about three weeks, a tremendous spirit of supplication was upon me. Crying—with groanings that could not be uttered— crying for Jesus. It was during this time the Lord began to show me the power of His Resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings. He began to show me such a separated life as I had never dreamed of. The world fell away from me; I stood naked and alone. I can’t describe it,—that dreadful sense of aloneness—of aloofness—as if I were in the heart of a great wilderness—with God. “‘I began to pray, “O God, let my husband come too.” Then I began to ask God for someone to stand with me in the work, and He would let me pray no more that way. “‘It was near this time I got an interpretation at the East End. Mrs. Hebden was speaking in tongues. One message I know now was especially intended for me. As she spoke I had a vision. It seemed to stand—a picture, right in her flow of words. I saw a picture of a bleak, barren, rugged country under such a strange, lonely, grey sky. Away in the background on a boulder against the grey sky was a cross. “‘What she said was that as Jesus trod the bleak hills of Judea alone (and that aloneness gave me the thought of spiritual separation from all about,) so must all who would share His glory be willing to take up their cross and tread the path He trod. As during this supplication I experienced that loneliness, I saw again and again that picture, that cross against a cold, grey sky, and again and again I have had to come to the end of my prayer for help and say only, “Thy will be done. I will go all alone.”’ “Yesterday afternoon, good attendance. In the evening, very small. . . . I was led to give a little of my experience. Professor Farmer and a Mr. Smith came into meeting, and we had a long talk with them and prayer afterward. Talked of Divine Healing. “June 11. We were at All-Night of Prayer last night at East End. Good, interesting meeting. No great power of prayer manifested. Well, bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name. “We had an interesting talk with Professor Campbell and wife of McMaster College. “Last night I covenanted with the Lord for [a] greater manifestation of the fruit of the Spirit, Love. May God enable me—fill me with great love and a passion for souls which I lack. “For several days the Spirit has not been upon me in such fullness. I do not supplicate as I did. And yet my whole desire is to be continuously in the Spirit, under His wonder­ful power. For a little while last night, while speaking in East End Mission, I was under His power. “June 12. My soul still cries after Jesus. When shall I have that fuller revelation of Himself as He has promised? I still seek to know Him and the power of His Resurrection. “O God, my God, hasten Thy work in me. Give me a greater, continual filling of the Holy Ghost. I would so live that every moment of my life—every breath that I draw— shall be in Him and by Him, that I may be dead and Christ living in me. “And I pray for our work. God blesses. People are seek­ing Jesus, yet still I feel the lack of power. No mighty signs are following. We lack faith. O God, from whom all bless­ings flow, make us channels of those blessings to others. Cast out demons, heal the sick, save, sanctify, baptize with the Holy Ghost. Here we are, willing but feeble instruments. Use us, O Lord, my God. O Lord, bring souls to Thyself. Bring souls to Thyself. “Attendance at meetings very small during week. Lord, God, Thou knowest. I don’t. Lord, my God, if there is fail­ure on our part, show us. If there is none, but this is in Divine order, help us to keep our hands off and trust Thee. “We are going through a trifling financial test. For days we have received just barely enough to pay our carfare. We now have fifty cents. The Lord is sufficient. The cattle on a thousand hills are His. Lord, help us just to stand still and see Thy loving care. “June 15. Show me Thy ways, O Lord. Teach me Thy paths. Lead me in Thy truth, and teach me. For Thou art the God of my salvation; on Thee do I wait all the day. Mine eyes are ever toward the Lord, for He shall pluck my feet out of the net. Look upon my affliction and my pain, and forgive all my iniquities. “Lord, Thou lookest on the heart. Thou hast patience. O Lord, how merciful Thou art. “Lord, remember Thou our covenant that I shall be filled with love. It is my great need. ... “Lord, give me true poverty and teachableness of spirit. Make me meek, merciful, and a peacemaker. Help me that my light may shine. O Lord, help me to live up to the whole of the fifth chapter of Matthew, Matthew 6 and 7. Help me to be forgiving, not to sit in judgment. Help me to earnestly seek Thee continuously. O Lord, help me to do the will of my Father. “God has promised that I shall be filled. As yet I am not. In spite of the conscious indwelling of the Holy Spirit, in spite of my knowledge He uses me, makes me His witness, in spite of blessed anointings—my soul keeps crying and crying for God. “And I thank Him it is so. Only that hunger and thirst for Himself will give me Himself. With all my failure and imperfections, with all my weakness and shortcomings, I know absolutely that I desire God more than anything in the world, that I have left all to follow Jesus, that I am God’s absolutely. Yet, oh—the reaching out for more of Himself. “Measuring myself by the Word, I see how great things I lack. The fruits of the Spirit are scarcely developed at all. I lack love, joy, kindness, meekness, gentleness. I need to be lowlier, humbler, more patient. I lack faith. As yet I cannot do what I used to do—lay hands on the sick and they recover. “God, should I wait for leading and assurance to do this, or should I step out in faith, leaving results to Thee? Oh, that is it that is the lack—the faith to step out in. And yet, should I in obedience lay on hands, trusting all to Thee? “O such a helpless, weak baby as I am! Leading others ere I can scarcely walk myself. O Lord, for the honor of Thy Name, fit me for Thy use. “I have so little strength of body I cannot minister to others as I ought. I can’t be of service as Thou wouldst have me. God, my God, be Thou my helper. “June 16. Sunday. O, to be but emptier, lowlier, Mean, unnoticed and unknown, But to God a vessel holier, Filled with Christ and Christ alone! Naught of earth to cloud the glory, Naught of self the light to dim, Telling forth the wondrous story, Emptied, to be filled with Him. “Myself always in the way. Idle words before I think, that is, unnecessary words, Lord. Wilt Thou so fill my being with God the Holy Ghost, He alone can speak. I wait on Thee, Jesus, my Saviour. The path Thou art leading is strange to me. I would say I had gone back, for I have not that wonderful, filling, thrilling presence of the Holy Ghost I had for a time when He used my mouth and mind and body regardless of my own ideas and plans. Yet my con­fidence is in Thee that Thou art leading me forward. If some lesson is to be learned from this, then may I be teachable. This I know, Thou hast undertaken my case and will lead me into the fullness of blessing. May I walk as hopefully and confidently by faith as by feeling. “Perhaps that is it. I have felt the thrilling presence of God in me, but I must believe He is there even when I don’t feel His presence, and abandon myself just the same, launch myself out in Him only, trust Him to keep me from speaking my own words, or doing my own acts. My greatest difficulty is in meetings when I rise to speak. I usually am able to yield right up to Him and let Him speak through me. But to understand just the order of the meeting, just to give it over to Him so we will sing at the time He tells us, go to prayer when He directs, have testimonies or praise as He directs is another question. When filled with the power of the Holy Ghost, I act spontaneously, involuntarily. But I have something to learn that is not yet clear to me about letting the Holy Ghost lead the meeting, alway. “Yesterday I spent a good share of the day measuring myself by the Word of God. O, how I fail before Him. Yet He has undertaken and I need not be discouraged at His work. “We are still walking very closely pruned in regard to money. Have just ten cents now and car tickets enough for today. Lord, I am seeking Thy Kingdom, but deliver me fully from a doubtful mind. “Lord, wilt Thou help me to fall back into Thee for all the needs of this day. Give me that passiveness in Thee that will enable me to do Thy will in everything. The responsi­bility of the meetings is not mine, but Thine. “June 17. Still crying to God. This time for H-. O God, show him what he needs. O God, deliver him from himself. O Lord, give him steadfastness. Only Thy Holy Spirit can show him the truth. “Yesterday, small meetings, good, but small. Lord, make rivers of Living Water flow out from me. Give me Thyself in great fullness. Rivers to swim in is my plea. O Lord, we ‘advertise’ the Water of Life, and then there is only a little trickling stream when there ought to be gushing abundance. O Lord, my God, give help. “Still financial test. We are now possessed of five cents and four or five car tickets. Well, praise the Lord for the test. It has shown me I am a little weak. In spite of myself I take ‘thought.’ Lord, perfect me in this. “June 18. Jesus, Thou canst not deny Thyself. Thou abidest faithful. In this I rest. The clouds are dark and I cannot see my way, but it makes me long for the light of Thy coun­tenance. Though I say with David, ‘When shall I come and appear before God?’—I long after a greater fullness of God. O, that the gushing, abundant streams of life might flow! Our work seems weakening again. There is so little power there. O God, let the living streams of life flow abundantly. “I rest our temporary needs with God. He is my God, my Father, He knoweth what we have need of, better than we. He will supply all our needs. In this time of money stress He has graciously provided a pleasant home and good food, every comfort. We have not as yet needed one thing we haven’t had. But we are right up to the edge, and it is time for God to act. Praise His Name! “Last night we had just two car tickets. Harry said for me to use them for going to meeting and he would walk. At first, it seemed the only way. Then I thought, if we do that, it will mean that we have needed - something God hasn’t supplied. God can’t permit that. We will each use a ticket going down and trust God to pay our way home. He did. At meeting He gave us two dollars, and besides a friend paid our way down. “June 21. Well, I am certainly in the dark just now. Our meetings are going to nothing again. There are no results, and I have no leading, no light of any kind. Lord, my God, come to my help. Where is the failure? What wouldst Thou have us to do? Lord, I will stand alone if everyone falls off if You want me to do so, but don’t let me stand if it is not Thy will. “June 22. All Thy floods and Thy billows have gone over me. O, help Thou me. I cry from the deep. Deliver me. I cry for Jesus. O blessed Holy Spirit, reveal to me more fully Jesus. O my beloved Lord, why dost Thou withdraw Thyself? I go about the streets searching for my Beloved. He has looked through the lattice. Why comes He not into this waiting, longing heart? I know there is a fuller revelation of Jesus for me. O, gladly will I die if He will come in. O, let me die that He may be formed in me. O Jesus, Jesus, let me find Jesus. O, I know there are trystings of love for me with Thee that I know not of. “O, I see more plainly today than ever before the sin of having wandered away from fellowship with Jesus. What might I not be in His service today if I had but yielded to the Potter as clay? “My soul has again today been drawn out in intense supplication to God. All my own utter unworthiness has passed before me. What am I that I should ask to be an overflowing fountain for God? Yet I do ask it—and persist in asking it. It is not the vessel. It is His power that will make me useful to Himself. “O, the barrenness, the fruitlessness, the uselessness of my life! Eight years ago I gave myself fully to God. Three of those years I slipped back. The last year I have sought after God. Oh, what a long path it has been—what persistence, what reaching after God, groping through the darkness of my own coldness and deadness! And how little distance I have come—yet how far! Oh, I thank Thee, Lord, for all the help and blessing Thou hast given, but O Lord, my God, Lord my God, complete Thy work. My soul thirsts for Thee. “Yesterday the Holy Ghost prayed through me repeatedly, ‘In the Name of Jesus,’ as if He would teach me the power of that Name. Jesus, enable me to learn the power of Thy Name. My whole prayer seems to be now: ‘Make me a soul-winner. O Lord, how long? “June 23. Sunday. Usually after a time of supplication God graciously gives me a calm. Lately there is increasing joy mixed with my peace. This morning I am very happy in the Lord, praise His Name. “June 30. Well, another storm—the winds blowing over my soul. I could only bend to the blast. Thursday after the evening [service] —which was only a prayer service really, and full of power—the devil attacked me in the one way he knows he can weaken me, and for two days I have gone through deep waters. “The agony of my soul was awful yesterday. I was down at East End nearly all day and could only weep and pray for Harry to have his blessing and receive the Holy Ghost. I got under, I am afraid, and came near praying the prayer of despair. Felt for a time as if there was no use holding on any longer to the work until Harry got his baptism. But today I have victory over this and know I must simply go on in the Name of Jesus doing my work but leaving results to Him.... Harry at East End where he is going to tarry all day.... “This forenoon I have been having a wonderful time.... I began to speak in tongues, and then, as I often do, to sing. And sing! My voice went to where I never could sing my­self—such high notes. I had a hallelujah time. Interpreted some. Sang once, Lord Jesus, now at Thy feet I fall, For Thou art now to me my all in all. Another song was something like this, O my Jesus, how I love to wait At my blessed Saviour’s feet, And I praise Thee — that — Thou Wilt so sweetly fill me now. As Mrs. Robinson continued singing in the Spirit and worshipping the Lord, she had an entirely new experience. She found her hand writing automatically. Amazed and per­plexed at this operation of God’s Spirit, she questioned it. “Instantly my hand stopped, and then I had a strange experience. The Spirit began to pray in the most agonizing way, crying out, and once in English, ‘O, No, No,’ and I knew what was being said. It was that I was denying the word of God and would lose this blessing. And I began to weep terribly in the Spirit, and I was so stricken with fear and remorse. I myself prayed again and again, ‘Forgive me, Lord. I won’t deny Thee. Do what Thou wilt with me. “Instantly my hand shook violently and I began soon to sing and write again. I sang one such pretty verse in English about the Holy Ghost, but I remember now only one line, ‘Fill me within Thy Love Divine.’ “Have been attending the C- A- meetings this week. Con­vention here. Ti-icy arc seeking Pentecostal baptism, but they are so afraid the Holy Ghost may not be just as moderate and modern and polite as He ought to be; they are scared, and so He does not manifest Himself to any degree. “O Lord, help us to bend, to yield to Thee. O God, help me to give up to Thee more and more and more. “The Lord is again graciously supplying our needs. That is a minor matter. “July 6. I seem to have come up against a wall. I do not see the way through nor around. I am unable to see God’s will. Our meetings are small and smaller. Harry has tarried all week at East End. I have come to that point where I seem to have no faith to go on until Harry has gotten his blessing. Satan may be pressing this upon me, and making me doubt, but it may be it is true. I know that the battle has been a hard one ever since my baptism. I cannot hold my blessings as I should. The two times Harry has been in earnest spirit­ual state I have swept right on in victory, and the meetings have shown results. Perhaps I must go through this trial until I get the victory to stand absolutely independent. Yet it isn’t God’s way of working, myself to be at work and Harry taking no part whatever.ⁿ Note: As one who had not yet received his baptism, Mr. Robinson, in common with Pentecostal people in general of the time, did not believe he should minister. Naturally this created an awkward situation for his wife. “Today I got under the burden again. O, how patient God is with me; and yet He knows I suffer. It seems today my every inch of flesh pains with the heart agony. O God, grant me strength, and faith, and courage. Five months of Spirit-filled life, and yet so little fruit! “Yet I would acknowledge all my blessings. The well of water springing up is indeed mine. Even in the midst of the burden of today the spirit of prayer is there. There is a definite and steady communion with God, and wonderful experiences in the Spirit when alone. Tonight at hall alone, I sang and sang in tongues. Then wrote again but not with liberty and power. Do not know whether Spirit had full way or not . . . I want the fullness of the Spirit. Not just the well of water—the self-edification, but the overflow. O God, give me the overflow that will touch and bless other lives. O God, my God, fill me, fill me, fill me. Let me be of use to Thee. “O, continue to increase my love, my passion for souls. O, if I am in the wrong place, God, my God, put me where I belong. O, I do know that my prayers are heard, and I do know that I shall in some way be used for Thee. I realize the purging and pruning going on. But, oh, time is flying. O, that there might be a great outpouring of God’s Spirit upon me, a great flooding of power, a great death of self that the work might be accomplished. O my wretched self, why will it not die? “July 11. Still waiting for God’s work in me to be more marked. I feel the need of being able to know the will of God more than anything else. Surely wisdom is the principal thing. I am asking God earnestly to show me what we are to do in regard to our meetings . For the first time I am feel­ing led to close them and get out into work. “Harry is tarrying at East End Mission, seeking his baptism. Praise God, light seems dawning. I have had so much burden and sorrow and supplication about his experi­ence, but God doeth all things well. It seems as if this has been the point—the vulnerable point—Satan could attack. “Just as I am thinking of leaving meetings here, a request comes from Toledo for me to go to Fostoria [Ohio] to hold meetings. Is this the will of God? I am at His feet to know. O God, give me clearer leadings, and don’t let anyone influ­ence me to act by feelings, impressions, or conditions. “Was at Hall before meeting time. Opened Hall and was having a little prayer time and began to sing in tongues. Presently sang in tongues a whole hymn, apparently repeat­ing chorus. New time to me. Then I finally got chorus in English as follows, O sweetly singing, Now we are bringing Incense of praise. O praises to Thee! “I so often gesture or keep time to music when singing in tongues. I did not notice at first that my hands were appar­ently playing the tune on a piano. When I did, I went at once to organ, still singing the chorus, and played, with my eyes shut, without a discord, or hunting for a note, the tune I was singing. The tune has a minor strain in it, and I do not understand minor chords well enough to catch them on organ without trying one after the other until I get the right sound. But I struck the minor chords—such pretty combin­ations—just as freely and easily as the others. This is my first experience of playing under the power of the Spirit. “July 17. For several days have been in deep waters. The floods went over my soul, and I seemed to go down under for a time. Such burden, such discouragement, such weep­ing, and alas, I am afraid, bitterness, a reckoning up of my wrongs, which love never does. “I have given up meetings at Hall with no clear or definite leadings, except I feel God has permitted me to do so. I have grown bitter (not toward God) over some things in my life. I have felt myself held back from what God would do in me if I were permitted to follow His leadings. But I have had to get down before Him to have my rebellious, hard spirit taken away. O, God does so much for me, and I am so un­worthy. Harry .. . is gaining so much spiritually that I am greatly encouraged. O God, let me forget those things behind and press forward. Give me a blessed day today. “Tonight I want to put something on record against myself, for future warning to myself. I find when I fail in a test the Lord gives me time and then tries me again along the same line. “About three months ago, when we were definitely think­ing of closing meetings, after very much waiting upon God,God showed me to continue, which I did, with blessing for a time. Then some trouble came to me that I did not rise above. As a result I lost a wonderful experience I was having at the time, and the meetings dropped down in power and attendance at once. The leadings I had to continue meetings were clear-cut and positive, so I have never been able to doubt for one instant. But in addition, at the time I made decision, great outpourings of blessing came upon me, blessed anointings, wonderful experiences, added power. Meetings changed. So I had every reason to stand by my leadings. “When meetings got small, I never questioned the lead­ings but stood pat, realizing that I had dropped from my own experience in a measure because of difficulties I was facing, but determined to stand until God showed me to move. All through, I had a strong impression that the meet­ings were being held on for a purpose—some worker coming in after while, or something of that kind, but that God was keeping me there and in answer to every prayer I simply got the impression, ‘Hold fast. Be patient. In due time you will be rewarded.’ “Well, I stood, though much influence was pressed upon me to make me think I had made a mistake. But a couple of weeks ago I gave way to a discouragement that had grown upon me, and I felt I could no longer bear the pressure of resisting the constant objections to my remaining as I was, and in weeping I told the Lord there was no use. I was so disheartened I could be of no use to Him and asked Him if I could not be set free. “I set a test and said if He wanted me to stay, He was to have things so and so. I feel He accepted the test, and He set me free. But there is no victory in it for me. I feel like Elijah... God fed him by ravens, but he wasn’t in the place God wanted him. It wasn’t God’s best for him. “God’s best for me was to have stood still and steady and continued to suffer and bear it until God showed me His will, instead of permitting my choice because I was weak. If He wanted the meetings closed, He could have shown me so clearly I could have gone out victorious in my soul, knowing His will was done no matter how it looked otherwise. Or if He wanted me to stand and to be a partaker in the joys of success in the work, I missed all that. “Elder Brooks has felt led to take up meetings. If it is of God, he has been called to fill the place I ran away from. God is bearing with me, but I haven’t had His best. And yet He is very good to me in it all, giving me rich blessing of companionship with Harry after my long, lonely, unhappy walking alone. But I realize I shall probably yet have to learn the lesson and bear the test of obeying God and God alone against the will of every human being, nearest and dearest. “O, I am very weak and unworthy. The best I can do now is to put the tangled skeins into God’s hands and let Him straighten them out as best it can be done now. O Lord, help me not to run again before I am sent. Help me to stand quite still, and walk a step at a time, as Thou dost show.” So ended Mrs. Robinson’s ministry in Wolesley Hall, and so closed the first chapter of her life in Toronto.