Inspirational Quotes on Humorous

“Many who plan to seek God at the eleventh hour die at 10:30.”

“He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart.”

“I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.”

“New roads; new ruts.”

“Remember, man does not live on bread alone: sometimes he needs a little buttering up.”

“Knitting gives women something to think about while they are talking.”

“He (Lincoln) differed from fanatical moralists primarily in that he was always perplexed. No sooner did he believe he was doing God's will that he began to admit that God's purposes might be different from his own. In short, he never forgot the men's contrast between the absolute goodness of God and the faltering goodness of all who are in the finite predicament.”

“Don't use words too big for the subject. Don't say 'infinitely' when you mean 'very'; otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.”

“The formula 'Two and two make five' is not without its attractions.”

“When I was young, I said to God, "God, tell me the mystery of the universe." But God answered, "That knowledge is reserved for me alone." So I said, "God, tell me the mystery of the peanut." Then God said, "Well George, that's more nearly your size." And he told me.”

“All thing I thought I knew; but now confess, the more I know I know, I know the less.”

“In marriage there are three rings - the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffer-ring.”

“Most of the machinery of modern language is labour-saving machinery; and it saves mental labour very much more than it ought. Scientific phrases are used like scientific wheels and piston-rods to make swifter and smoother yet the path of the comfortable. Long words go rattling by us like long railway trains. We know they are carrying thousands who are too tired or too indolent to walk and think for themselves. It is a good exercise to try for once in a way to express any opinion one holds in words of one syllable. If you say “The social utility of the indeterminate sentence is recognized by all criminologists as a part of our sociological evolution towards a more humane and scientific view of punishment,” you can go on talking like that for hours with hardly a movement of the gray matter inside your skull. But if you begin “I wish Jones to go to gaol and Brown to say when Jones shall come out,” you will discover, with a thrill of horror, that you are obliged to think. The long words are not the hard words, it is the short words that are hard. There is much more metaphysical subtlety in the word “damn” than in the word “degeneration.”

“It's so much easier to pray for a bore than to go and see one.”

“Lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if only one had a colored pencil long enough to draw on the ceiling.”

“Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its own punishment with it and that a very severe one.”

“I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress.”

“A husband is one who stands by you in troubles you wouldn't have had if you hadn't married him.”

“A book reads the better which is our own, and has been so long known to us, that we know the topography of its blots, and dog's ears, and can trace the dirt in it to having read it at tea with buttered muffins.”

“The trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.”